Fucking 4th of july

So surprise surprise, I fucked up major tonight.

First I ate like a fucking pig. My mom made this delicious disgusting desert called cake ball, basically their ball of cake dipped in chocolate. And guess what I ate four of them, then I proceeded to eat a mocha cupcake and shaved ice. God I'm disgusting.

Then When we got home at like 11ish ever one went to bed, I went to the bathroom and purged. Something I haven't done in ages. I feel amazing. And I know how dangerous it is to think this way, but fuck I feel so light and clean. I also apparently started smoking again. Fuck I thought I was over these habits, but I guess I'm not very good at giving up bad habits.

Ugh this is all so fucked up. On one hand I want to be skinny and I know this isn't just about my looks, I know its an illness or whatever, but fuck if I don't feel so amazing. But on the other hand I don't want to disappoint every one again.

No ya know what I already am a disappointment, I'm gonna do as I please!

sorry for this rambling post I'm gonna go brush my teeth now. Cigarettes and iced tea does not make for a fresh mouth.