Me and my mind

WARNING: this post is going to be a lot longer than most of my other ones! 

So I got an email from someone asking about the disease I keep talking about. She wanted to know what was wrong with me, so this post is about that. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder sometimes know as manic depressive disorder when I was 15. It’s really hard to describe and whenever I try in my own words other people don't understand so I'm just going to go with the medical definition. People with bipolar disorder type 1 have had at least one fully manic episode with periods of major depression. In the past, bipolar disorder type 1 was called manic depression. There are other types but I have type 1 currently I'm having a manic episode, and I can take medication for it. I am supposed to be on medication I just never take it. I hate the way it makes me feel.

Manic episodes are so hard to describe. For me it’s so exhilarating, I have all these ideas and plans and I feel like I can do anything, my minds racing and I have tons of energy I don't need sleep or food. I feel invincible and infinitely creative (I’m an artist so I rather enjoy having endless inspiration). For other people I've been told I just seem crazy, I do ridicules things and reckless things and I can be extremely hostile. So really I’m a nuisance and a danger to the people around me when I get really manic. There different kinds of manic, some more severe than others.

Having a mental illness is difficult. I'll struggle with it for the rest of my life, and I'll always have to make the hard decision whether or not I want to be on medication. I hope this post helps people understand bipolar disorder better. And I hope people realize people with mental illnesses aren't crazy, they have a disease and need support. 

Intake:

530

Burned: 

250 

fucking technology

Fuck computers! I am so pissed right now. Yesterday my computer decided to crash and erase everything I had saved. Almost two years worth of save school work, writing, music, pictures, and anything else I had saved. I'm so angry! everything is just gone. Oh and all my book marks I had saved on google chrome disappeared as well. I had so much important shit saved on my computer. I'm so angry and upset! 

so needles to say I wont be posting any pictures today because I have to go find new pictures. I had like 500 pictures saved. yeah I need to go do something calming before I throw this fucking laptop through a window. 

intake as of 1:05 pm

Black coffee(0) strawberries and grape fruit salad(80) 

I'm a Hurricane

I can't decide if I love this manic episodes or if I hate it. I know when it over when I'm in between on med or when I'm down, I'll say I hate it. Say I hate being a hurricane. But now? Now I can't decide. I'm untouchable, and high, and amazing. And I can do anything, and I will. I am! but at the same time I feel like I'm stuck in a current and its throwing me around and I can't not go with it. Its frightening, its like some times in the middle of the day I realize what I'm doing is crazy and insane, but I can't stop. Its like my actions are controlling me not the other way around. I'm stuck in a storm and I could go inside and get away from the rain, but then I would be cut off from everything. I wouldn't be me if I took my meds, so I can't and I wont. I'll wait the storm out.

Intake:850(ugh I ate way to much after I worked out at the gym tonight)
Cals burned:550

productive day

so today was all kinda of fun! first I bought my car, and let me just say she is gorgeous, an absolute beauty. She runs perfectly and is everything I had dreamed of! then I proceeded to drive my new baby to San Francisco for the gay pride parade witch was super fun, and I only had like three french fries while I was there. I bought a t shirt and a shit load of jewelry. Then I came home cleaned my room and called my friend Anna who I hadn't talked to in like a year after her dog attacked me. The dogs dead, she want to start hanging out again, and we're spending the 3rd of july together witch is when the city we grew up in together does fireworks at the local high school.

I feel like today was a pretty productive day and its not even over. After I write this I'm going to go get a membership to the gym, order my brides maids dress for my sisters wedding and give my dogs a  bath. I feel utterly fantastic! nothing can bring me down.

Todays intake:
black coffee(0) 3 french fries(30ish?)
sweet tea(70) salad no dressing (80)
eggplant pizza(220)                        
total cal  390

Mania Plans

ok so I'm manic. So what. That doesn't mean I can't make my own decisions. Sadly my parents disagree. They think I need to eat, I need to take my meds, I need to sleep, I need to sit still, not spend my money, don't yell, don't scream. I need to calm down and shut up. But I can't! and I don't want to drug my self, I hate sitting around drug up looking like a drooling idiot.
 This disease isn't leaving I'm stuck with it so I might as well learn to live with it. And thats what I'm doing. I'm going on with my life even though I know I'm having an "episode" an attack, A freak out. But fuck it! I'm fine. I feel great. I'm gonna do what I want. I have the money, and its mine to do as I please. so tomorrow I'm buying it!

So in case your wondering I'm buying a '66 Chevelles ss. Isn't it a beautiful car? the one I'm buying is black with black interior! I love it.

Intake:

black coffee(0)

boiled egg(50)

slice of toast(120)

total cal as of 4pm= 170

all consuming

That what this is. this feeling. it all consuming. and its suffocating. and I don't know how I'm still alive. I know if I take my meds It will go away but I can't force my hand to open that fucking orange bottle. So I don't, I just keep on feeling like there's a hurricane inside my veins.

And I know this whole state of mind is unhealthy but I have no urge to eat, and feel infinitely creative so I'm just rolling with it. Going with the flow of insanity. I'm eager to see were it drops me.


4:05 am 
I should be asleep but I feel like things need to be done, theres places I need to be. Things I need to see

todays(or I guess yesterdays sense it now a new day) intake
black coffee(0), 5 grapes (18)
small salad no dressing(80) boiled egg(50)
1/2 cup of chicken noodle soup(70)
3 cucumber sticks(5?)
=223


I feel like this blog is already slipping, it barely ever about food or eating it just about me whining.

Low intakes

So today has cooled down a bit so I didn't end up melting. Still I kept my intake low, like way low. I had a small salad for Breakfast/lunch with out dressing(80) and 5 grapes(18) then for dinner I had 5 Nori-Maki sushi rolls(100) 1 unagi roll(60) and a bowl of miso soup(30) then later I had one homemade green tea popsicle with sugar(50)(intake 318) I feel so amazing! I kept my intake so low!  I hope I can do this good tomorrow.

Me and my brother found out our body fat % I was 24.8% would really like that to be lower, but my brother was 7%. SEVEN FUCKING PERCENT. sometimes I hate him, he eats whatever he wants and takes shit care of his body how the hell does he have such a low number? its infuriating I am determined to have a lower number than him now. That is my goal

So last night I weighed in and I was at 126 pounds so in 6 days I've lost 2 pounds

stats:
H: 5'6
CW: 126 pounds
HW: 156 pounds
LW:  98 pounds

Horrible heat waves

Its 90 degrees out and I think I'm slowly melting. I might actually die soon, it so fucking hot. lucky I'm so hot and uncomfortable the very idea of eating makes me want to puke, the only thing I've been able to eat is frozen grapes(20 grapes=70cal) witch if you've never had are delicious and low calorie and are great on hot days. all I want to do is go sleep in the freezer. If I don't die form the heat I'm gonna weigh my self tonight

unwelcomed visits

My father visited me today. Actually he came to visit all of his children but I was the only one home so he only visited me. I smiled a tight ivory smile and listened to him, and nodded and hmmed at all the right times. He asked why I didn't call him on fathers day and I told him I forgot his number so he gave it to me again. We were on our best behavior. I knew it was all an act. He wants custody of me and my sister so he needs to act nice. I'm not sure why he's decided it a good idea to be a real dad this late in the game, but I'm not playing. I told him I was feeling sick to get him to leave.

my day went down the drain, and with it the little food I ate(130) and my appetite. I didn't eat for the rest of the day. I went back to bed at 3 and slept  for 8 hours. I'm awake with no chance of rest. Oh well blissful unconscious was nice while it lasted.

Our Fathers

How do we forgive our Fathers?
Maybe in a dream
Do we forgive our Fathers for leaving us too often or forever
when we were little?

Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage
or making us nervous
because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.

Do we forgive our Fathers for marrying or not marrying our Mothers?
For Divorcing or not divorcing our Mothers?

And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?
Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning
for shutting doors
for speaking through walls
or never speaking
or never being silent?

Do we forgive our Fathers in our age or in theirs
or their deaths
saying it to them or not saying it?

If we forgive our Fathers what is left?

Pretty much sums up what I've been feeling today. I love my dad(stepfather) with all my heart, he can be a real pain in my ass but he treat me and my siblings right even though we aren't his. He has never done anything to hurt us or harm us. He only ever done what he thought to be for our well being. And for that I love him, theres nothing I need to forgive him for.

But I could write a million paragraphs on the things My father(biological) has done that I will eventually need to forgive him of. But today is not that day. I have long sense forgiven and forgot what he did to me, but I can not forgive him for what he did to my mother and my siblings. And I can not forgive him for his actions that were commented years ago that still hurt them now. He is the reason my mother gets that cold look in her eyes when she looks at me and my baby sister, we know we look just like him and we know she can't stand that. And he is the reason my older sister left at 16 and rarely ever visits unless its an emergency. And he is the reason my brother drowns him self in drugs. I can not forgive him for all that he has done. I know I should, but I can't. I haven't seen him in a little over a year, yet I still hate him like he comment his horrible acts yesterday. 


This fathers day goes to my stepdad the only real father I've ever known. 

Intake: 

B- none

L- 325

D-630

T= 955 

I need to lower that fucking number!!

Car accidents and green jello

So my day started pretty nicely. I woke and the sun was shining, the weather was nice and my little sister was lying in bed with me. Something for the most part she has decides shes too old to do(now that shes 12 and shes practically an adult apparently) and not only did she snuggle with  me but we got up and watched crappy cartoons together. My parents were out together doing whatever it is they do, and my brother was out so it was actually peaceful in the house, no nagging or arguing.

Sadly my day did not stay so nice a relaxing. At about 3 my dad called to tell me my brother and his girl friend had been in a car accident and they were in the hospital. she was pretty hysterical, because they were hurt oh and my brother was under the influence and had a large amount of drugs in the car. And he turned 18 in march so it no longer a matter of going to juvy. Hes a man now and is going to be treated as such. so my mom told me to call my other sister(the one that actually is and adult) to let her know and to have her bring us to the hospital.

When we got there I found my my brother had a concussion and fractures cheek bone, but nothing overly serious. How ever his girlfriend had a broke nose a concussion a broken wrist four cracked ribs and hair line fracture in her color bone. So she was pretty fucked up. anyways I spent most of the day there with her or my brother and because thing were so crazy and we were all worried I barely ate anything!! I only had green jello(80) and later for dinner a few bite of my little sisters chicken form the food court (120) and a small garden salad with light dressing(130) so my intake was really low(330) and I don't really feel that hungry so I do think I'll have a snack, but if I feel like i need it later I'll just have cucumbers or carrot sticks.

today food wise has gone well, but other then that today was mostly shit.

New adventures

So my dad noticed I've been eating the same thing over and over again for the last few days(I have a bad habit of finding a low cal food and eating it for every meal I can) so he's decided I'm going to be his new grocery shopping buddy. I had a mini panic attack I handled it pretty well considering I now have to help choose food not only for my self but for the rest of the family.

So this little adventure of going shopping went pretty well. I was walking down the aisle pointedly avoiding the snack aisle and I just chose low cal food for me and threw in a few danger foods(pop tarts, sugary cereal and cookies) for the rest of the family. Then my Dad apparently decided to start a fight in the car and wouldn't leave me alone about the amount of low cal food I bought. the conversation went a little like this

D-"so you got a lot of organic food"
M-"yeah, I thought it would be a good idea to help support some of the organic farmers" (amazing excuse!!)
D-"hmm that good, you got a lot of healthy food"
M-"yeah dad it summer so I'm gonna be eating a lot more I want it to be healthy food"
D-"Kim do we need to talk with your doctor about this again?"
M-"What the fuck are you talking about I'm trying to be healthy"
D-"don't pull out that old excuse Kim! I don't want you doing this shit again"

so needles to say I'm not in a very good mood at the moment. I mean it wouldn't hurt me to loose a few fucking pounds! god I'm just so mad that he can't see how horrible a feel being this fat.

on the upside of this shit fest my anger seemed to motivate me. I'm way down on my intake, now I just need to keep it that way for the rest of the day.

intake:
B- black coffee(5) 
L- 1 cups brown rice(200) 


total intake as of 12:15 205 calories 


Hopefully I'll have enough willpower to have a very small dinner and no snacks!

- Kim

mirrors

mirrors are following me. their watching me and haunting me. they're tracking my every move. Ever time I stand up from crouching in front of the toilet that treacherous mirror is staring, taunting me. Laughing at my failure. I should be able to cut my intake. Its not like I've not done it before. I've been down to 80 calories a day before. But now I can't stay bellow 900? Its ridicules, and the mirrors know it. They know I was an utter failure today. A failure like yesterday, and the day before that. They know that I'm a failure every day, thats why I'm in this mess. Why I'm 128.5 fat disgusting pounds.

I need to do better tomorrow. I can't afford to make excuses for my self. I can't!

intake:
B- wheat toast, boiled egg, 1 cup sliced strawberries, 1 cup of black coffee=240
L- 1 cup of brown rice, 1/2 poached chicken breast=335
D- 4 cups of chicken noodle soup, 1 slice sourdough bread=375
T= 950

Lets be Honesty

honestly this may be the worst idea I've had in the last week(and I can have some pretty shitty ideas)
and even more honesty, I find my self becoming excited at this jump into the danger zone. Who doesn't like a little risk. And Honestly theirs something dark compelling me to write this all down. and honestly I know exactly why I need to write this all down.

I've got the monsters too. those little friendly monsters that scritch scratch at the inside of your diaphragm and wiggle around in the space between your ears. Those invisible monsters that whisper ideas that weave them selves deep into your subconscious to pop out at the worst possible times. monsters that convince you its a good idea to weigh your self everyday and look at the back of the food packaging, or smile and lie. because really the monsters know best, they know that you don't need those extra calories, or that whopping amount of sugar and fat.

yes I have a lot of those types of invisible monster.
and sense I'm being all friendly and honest. I honestly like the company of my little wispy friends.
and hers goes another bit of honesty. I know they're not friends, I know their slowly eating away at my insides. but I can be a bit morbid and I need to know what happens when they've consumed everything.

But I can get lonely and bored, so I mite as well tell you what these little monsters can do. I might as well share my story. No that's not right. I don't have a story. Not yet. You don't get a true story tell you die. So I'll share my chapter. I'll share my page. but be warned, my page is ugly and ripped,yellowing and torn. Coffee rings and dirty smudges stain my page. The writing on my page is smudged and faded, and honestly you might not like what you read on my pathetic page