Violin

So Misha found out I can play the violin and bugged me all day to play for him, but the thing is I haven't played sense my sister moved out when I was 14.

My mom made us all learn an instrument. I learned violin, my older sister Hannah learned to play cello, sophia learned piano, and Gabriel learned guitar. We all used to play together, but me and hannah were really amazing together we could improvise and just play together, its like we just got each other when we played. We matched perfectly musically, and now that shes not here really I just don't feel the same when I play, my music used to be about getting away from my fathers shit and just being with my sister. Now sophia is the only one left, and I loved playing with her but its not the same.

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting or something. And maybe its time I start playing again. Who knows it might be good for me. I just feel like it used to be such a special thing for me and her, and playing with out her in my life feels like some sort of betrayal of something. 

But playing for mishia would be nice, would be something really special. I just don't know if I can.

My violin. 

Ebooks

I have discovered E books. This is bad, this is now consuming my life. I can any book I want at any time. Not only is it likely I spend more time hiding in my room but my brain is likely to explode. Just to day I've already read parts of Good Omens, Everything you need to now about Chevy, Latin and other ancient languages, and French for beginners. My brain is in over load.

And I've got Misha addicted to them too, later today hes coming over so we can read together. God I feel extra nerdy, but whatever at least we can be nerds together. I also told him I'm dieting, and that I really don't want him bring food over He was amazing about it, he told me I'm fine the way I am but if I want to diet its my decision and he'll stop bring bad food. It went a lot better then I was expecting!

I need to stop worrying so much, I'm only human and people will understand when I make mistakes.

In other news

I've given up on this fucked up honesty thing. Joy. It turns out I'm a bigger liar than I realized.

Wake up. Lie to my mom about what time I got home
Sit on the counter in the kitchen with Sophia. Lie about already eating
Driving with misha to the beach. Lie about why I have a doctors(therapy) appointment this afternoon
Sit on the beach with Misha. Lie about why I'm not eating.
Call my sister. Lie about my mintel illness
Going to therapy. Lie about food and the slip slide of emotions
Come home and avoid mom. Lie about doing my chores and calling my father

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie  lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie

And now I'm noticing even when I tell the truth, they're only half truths mixed together with a few white lies.

White lies. I tell a lot of those. their color doesn't make me feel any less guilty.

Harry potter

I'm going to the new harry potter movie at 12 tonight misha is taking me, we're driving to San Francisco to see it in Imax. 20 minutes in a car together if thers light traffic....I guess this would be the perfect time to tell him more about my self.

My step dad moved out the last of his stuff today, as did my brother. Now its just me my mom and sophia living in our huge house. we have two extra bed rooms. I guess we're gonna have two guest bed rooms, although I can't remeber the last time someone came to stay at our house. All of my moms family lives in the same town as us so there really isn't any point.

My grandmother offered to pay for jr. collage next year. I have to take a year at the JC for a year because I didn't do collage prep at highschool, but after that I've been thinking I'm gonna try to get into Cambridge. But its still just a thought.

The words of the wise

I think it's part of being human, there is what we are, what we wish we were, what we want people to see us as, and then the mess that results from trying to meet these expections of our selves and others. And becuase we want to fit in, want to be normal or less odd we hide a way bits that embarsse us or we think will embaresse us. It's something most people struggle with, I think artist more then most because were afraid what people might think if they could really see what we see, or think what we think.


ok so not really wise just a friends of mine.

shes part of a group therapy thing for people who have bipolar disorder and we were talking about how we all sort of hide so much from people because we're afraid of what they will think when they find out we have a mental illness. But then she started to say how its not just people who are ill we all hide so much all the time and its a real shame.

So I've made a july resolution, try to be more honest with people in my life. Try not to hide behind my walls.

Intake:
730

fucking misha a his food. But I'm honest now so I'm going to tell him it makes me uncomfortable. Wish me luck I hope I don't scare him away.

Sex and ice cream

So I actually got to bed at a decent hour, something I rarely do. And I ended up sleeping like 5 hours. I feel really fantastic and rested!

But I did end up dreaming last night. About sex and ice cream. I was having sex with misha and we were eating chocolate ice cream. Now thats all I can think about this morning. It sucks, I hate when I get cravings like this. I'm a big chocolate person, so I usually keep a small bag in the house. I had these ones that were 80 calories for 10 pieces, I totally loved 'em but someone ate them all. Now its like all I can think about.

So I'll be off to the store today for chocolate, then I decided to go to Mishas and spend time with him. Not for sex, I've decided I'm going to wait for a while before me sleep together. Its kinda weird, but good. I'm going to wait and actually connect with him. 

I'm going to keep my intake really low so I can eat the chocolate and not feel guilty about it

Intake as of 11:14
coffee black(0)

Am I That girl

I am utterly and foolishly falling for misha. my day now consist of three things. Spending time with Misha, worrying about food, and avoiding my parents. I feel sort of pathetic.

I'm not that girl, that girl that falls for boys, and spends all their time with said boy. I'm just not. I'm foolish and fun, and sexy. I've always been the slightly awkward party girl. Now I'm out of school, and I need to get my shit together.

Now who am I? now what kind of girl am I? I'm a girl who works at the liquor store a block away, who worries about calories and the boy next door. I'm not so sure I want to be that girl.

luckily I avoided Misha at all the meals so i didn't have to explain my lack of eating.

Intake:
450

New room

My brother is moving out this week, and I'm moving into hi room. Witch is totally awesome. It bigger, has it on bathroom and is on the other side of the house as my parents room. Now I wont have to listen to them fight all the time.

Misha came over to visit this morning, he brought coffee black just the way I like it(o) scrambled eggs(115) toast with jam(130) we sat in my room and ate our breakfast on my floor. We talked and watched cartoons. I really like misha hes so fun and nice. He just amazing. He taking me to go see the new harry potter movie when it come out, we're going to the midnight showing. Also he volunteered to help me paint my new room. I love how not pushy he is about sex. I mean we kissed a little but nothing major. This is so new for me, I've only dated one person. I'm more of the one night stand kind of girl. I like this though, I like it a lot.

I'm also going over to his house later to help him unpack some stuff for his room. I'm so excited about all this. The only bad part of this is he doesn't know about my eating issues, and I'm dreading when he notices. Its killing me, because it every time I see him he brings food. I need to find some excuses for not eating.

Intake as of 1pm 245

A hot date with a Russian

I had an amazing time with Micheal on our date. We went to go see transformers 3, witch was totally awesome. Not the greatest story line(witch fyi they stole form Doctor Who) but the effect were really amazing. Then we went out for Italian at this really crazy expensive restaurant I had gnocchi(700ish) and a vanilla Italian soda(103) I had way too much to eat I had a lot of fun with Micheal. After dinner we drove around in my baby and parked at the beach, we got tea and sat in the car talking for what felt like forever, he told me his mom calls him Misha. also he speaks russian, its so pretty sounding. Isn't that name adorable,I really love it?It was really lot of fun. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun.

After spending like hours just talking I drove us home, and he kissed me on the sidewalk between our houses. I'm not gonna lie and say it was insanely romantic or anything but it was pretty hot. I'm really hoping to hang out with him again soon.

p.s I don't know if I mention mishas age but hes 19 two years older.
stay strong and most importantly stay safe.

-Kim

I wont let you break me further

my mother and stepdad have announced they're separating. they never actually got married so no need for a divorce. This news doesn't surprise me in the least. In fact I thought this day would come much sooner. Thats the only thing that surprised me, that it took this long is rather shocking. And sadly I can be fucked to care, I have other things filling my mind. None of them about my mother fucking up another relationship.

Sophia didn't want to go on our mini road trip after she found out. I'm worried about her. Shes going down the path me and Gabriel are already on. We're self destructing and I can tell shes at that tipping point. Shes about to make a huge decision that will decide the rest of her life and she doesn't even know it. Can't see that if she lets this consume her she'll never get out. I hope with all my heart she runs and gets out like our sister Hannah did, as much I resent her for it some times she did the right thing. She got the fuck away from this poison that seems to follow this family around.

On the not so fucked up side of things, my neighbor Micheal asked me out today, hes super cute and has and adorable Russian accent. He wants to take me to dinner and the movies tomorrow. I'm so excited its been ages sense I was on a proper date! I'm not sure what movie we're gonna see, actually I don't really know whats out. Do you ladies have any suggestions? God I"m getting all excited. I'm gonna fast for the day tomorrow so I wont worry to much about what I eat at dinner. And hopefully Micheal will help me burn some calories  ( ;


Still love my camera! food porn look but don't touch! and look at the weird shit Micheal drinks.

Plans for today, but not for the future.

First off I just want to say I love you girls, you made me feel wonderful with all you lovely comments on my photos! I have completely fallen in love with my camera! I can't stop taking pictures.

anyways in the food and fat news, I'm doing good I suppose. But I could be doing better that for sure. I want to be down to 110 by the end of next month.  About 18 pounds in two months seems completely reasonable. Anywho I'm off on a mini road trip, I'm driving down to LA for the day with my little sis Sophia I think we might go to Disney land.

Intake:
11:00-5 strawberries(10)

I need to get a job of my own and stop mooching off my parents, and my bank account. I was in an accident when I was little so I have a lovely sum of money of my own. Still I need a job now that I'm out of high school. I need to pay to go to collage or something, shit I have no plans for the future but I really need to make some soon!

No thinspo today just pictures I took myself. The bottom two are my brother Gabriel and sister Sophia. My brother looks like a douche, I'm glad we look nothing alike. and my sister dyed her hair a few months back, I really wish she hadn't she had really beautiful golden brown hair. But I know she hated having the same hair as our father(biological)

Me!!

So it me, I decided to give you a face to the words. Also I got a new camera and absolutely love it so I'm takin' pictures of everything.

losing it!

125.8 pounds! 
Fasting for the rest of the day.
Intake:130

Fucking 4th of july

So surprise surprise, I fucked up major tonight.

First I ate like a fucking pig. My mom made this delicious disgusting desert called cake ball, basically their ball of cake dipped in chocolate. And guess what I ate four of them, then I proceeded to eat a mocha cupcake and shaved ice. God I'm disgusting.

Then When we got home at like 11ish ever one went to bed, I went to the bathroom and purged. Something I haven't done in ages. I feel amazing. And I know how dangerous it is to think this way, but fuck I feel so light and clean. I also apparently started smoking again. Fuck I thought I was over these habits, but I guess I'm not very good at giving up bad habits.

Ugh this is all so fucked up. On one hand I want to be skinny and I know this isn't just about my looks, I know its an illness or whatever, but fuck if I don't feel so amazing. But on the other hand I don't want to disappoint every one again.

No ya know what I already am a disappointment, I'm gonna do as I please!

sorry for this rambling post I'm gonna go brush my teeth now. Cigarettes and iced tea does not make for a fresh mouth.

What I want

My life is sidewalk chalk in the rain. Out of focus, blurry, with messy edges. I just want my life to be neat, straight lines, colors that match. I want my life to be clear and precise. I want it to make sense.

going to spend time with the family today. Well some of the family, me and Sophia, my dad and mom.We're going to the high school I used to go to, they do a fireworks show every year. I'm not really looking forward to seeing everyone I used to go to school with. Well anna is going and I haven't seen her in almost a year, so I am looking forward to that. But I don't want the other people I know to see how fat I've gotten. I'm dreading it so much!

I'm just sick of feeling confused all the time. I just want it to make sens, I want it to be stable.

Intake:
1:30-Tea w/ 1/2 tablespoon of sugar(25)
3:00-small piece of bread(80)
3:50- sandwitch(210)
5:00- tea w/ sweetener(100)
Total cal as 5:37-415

I'm gonna try not to eat for the rest of the day, but It gonna be hard. Theres always a lot of food at the fireworks show, and my mom is making all kinds of evil snacks.