Violin

So Misha found out I can play the violin and bugged me all day to play for him, but the thing is I haven't played sense my sister moved out when I was 14.

My mom made us all learn an instrument. I learned violin, my older sister Hannah learned to play cello, sophia learned piano, and Gabriel learned guitar. We all used to play together, but me and hannah were really amazing together we could improvise and just play together, its like we just got each other when we played. We matched perfectly musically, and now that shes not here really I just don't feel the same when I play, my music used to be about getting away from my fathers shit and just being with my sister. Now sophia is the only one left, and I loved playing with her but its not the same.

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting or something. And maybe its time I start playing again. Who knows it might be good for me. I just feel like it used to be such a special thing for me and her, and playing with out her in my life feels like some sort of betrayal of something. 

But playing for mishia would be nice, would be something really special. I just don't know if I can.

My violin. 

Ebooks

I have discovered E books. This is bad, this is now consuming my life. I can any book I want at any time. Not only is it likely I spend more time hiding in my room but my brain is likely to explode. Just to day I've already read parts of Good Omens, Everything you need to now about Chevy, Latin and other ancient languages, and French for beginners. My brain is in over load.

And I've got Misha addicted to them too, later today hes coming over so we can read together. God I feel extra nerdy, but whatever at least we can be nerds together. I also told him I'm dieting, and that I really don't want him bring food over He was amazing about it, he told me I'm fine the way I am but if I want to diet its my decision and he'll stop bring bad food. It went a lot better then I was expecting!

I need to stop worrying so much, I'm only human and people will understand when I make mistakes.

In other news

I've given up on this fucked up honesty thing. Joy. It turns out I'm a bigger liar than I realized.

Wake up. Lie to my mom about what time I got home
Sit on the counter in the kitchen with Sophia. Lie about already eating
Driving with misha to the beach. Lie about why I have a doctors(therapy) appointment this afternoon
Sit on the beach with Misha. Lie about why I'm not eating.
Call my sister. Lie about my mintel illness
Going to therapy. Lie about food and the slip slide of emotions
Come home and avoid mom. Lie about doing my chores and calling my father

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie  lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie

And now I'm noticing even when I tell the truth, they're only half truths mixed together with a few white lies.

White lies. I tell a lot of those. their color doesn't make me feel any less guilty.

Harry potter

I'm going to the new harry potter movie at 12 tonight misha is taking me, we're driving to San Francisco to see it in Imax. 20 minutes in a car together if thers light traffic....I guess this would be the perfect time to tell him more about my self.

My step dad moved out the last of his stuff today, as did my brother. Now its just me my mom and sophia living in our huge house. we have two extra bed rooms. I guess we're gonna have two guest bed rooms, although I can't remeber the last time someone came to stay at our house. All of my moms family lives in the same town as us so there really isn't any point.

My grandmother offered to pay for jr. collage next year. I have to take a year at the JC for a year because I didn't do collage prep at highschool, but after that I've been thinking I'm gonna try to get into Cambridge. But its still just a thought.

The words of the wise

I think it's part of being human, there is what we are, what we wish we were, what we want people to see us as, and then the mess that results from trying to meet these expections of our selves and others. And becuase we want to fit in, want to be normal or less odd we hide a way bits that embarsse us or we think will embaresse us. It's something most people struggle with, I think artist more then most because were afraid what people might think if they could really see what we see, or think what we think.


ok so not really wise just a friends of mine.

shes part of a group therapy thing for people who have bipolar disorder and we were talking about how we all sort of hide so much from people because we're afraid of what they will think when they find out we have a mental illness. But then she started to say how its not just people who are ill we all hide so much all the time and its a real shame.

So I've made a july resolution, try to be more honest with people in my life. Try not to hide behind my walls.

Intake:
730

fucking misha a his food. But I'm honest now so I'm going to tell him it makes me uncomfortable. Wish me luck I hope I don't scare him away.

Sex and ice cream

So I actually got to bed at a decent hour, something I rarely do. And I ended up sleeping like 5 hours. I feel really fantastic and rested!

But I did end up dreaming last night. About sex and ice cream. I was having sex with misha and we were eating chocolate ice cream. Now thats all I can think about this morning. It sucks, I hate when I get cravings like this. I'm a big chocolate person, so I usually keep a small bag in the house. I had these ones that were 80 calories for 10 pieces, I totally loved 'em but someone ate them all. Now its like all I can think about.

So I'll be off to the store today for chocolate, then I decided to go to Mishas and spend time with him. Not for sex, I've decided I'm going to wait for a while before me sleep together. Its kinda weird, but good. I'm going to wait and actually connect with him. 

I'm going to keep my intake really low so I can eat the chocolate and not feel guilty about it

Intake as of 11:14
coffee black(0)

Am I That girl

I am utterly and foolishly falling for misha. my day now consist of three things. Spending time with Misha, worrying about food, and avoiding my parents. I feel sort of pathetic.

I'm not that girl, that girl that falls for boys, and spends all their time with said boy. I'm just not. I'm foolish and fun, and sexy. I've always been the slightly awkward party girl. Now I'm out of school, and I need to get my shit together.

Now who am I? now what kind of girl am I? I'm a girl who works at the liquor store a block away, who worries about calories and the boy next door. I'm not so sure I want to be that girl.

luckily I avoided Misha at all the meals so i didn't have to explain my lack of eating.

Intake:
450